Fuck!

   It isn't often when I feel stimulated and when I am it usually presents itself it is in unhealthy ways such as gambling, arguing,  being contrary, addictive behavior, over medicating myself, etc.  I am an addict and I hate myself for many reasons.  I am constantly trying to change or evolve to be a better "human being" but suffer from epiphanies that always seem to fade.  This is another reason I started this blog.  Its to remind me of my issues and how I deal with them and try to gain insight from them.  Sometimes I go to therapy and my therapist tries to get me to talk about things and I don't really talk about relative things.  Its not that I'm lying or wasting her time, its that my brain has an erase button and it is constantly hyper active. I suffer or I should say that other people suffer do to my lack of a filter to stop me from saying exactly as I feel which comes out brutally and uncaring of other peoples feelings. But I can honestly say that it is rare when I lie because I don't feel the need to.  I feel like I haven't aged at all from the age of 15 except physically.  Its like I stopped maturing.  Don't get me wrong, I am different from 5 years ago, I am slightly better but emotionally I am dead inside.  I FUCKING hate myself!!!!

Lost Time

I may be just apolagizing to noone , but I havent postedd in over a week And I am sorry.  Ive had a lot going on from moving houses to going through some severe withdrawl from the oxycontin.  I messed up my back up even more and I ended taking too much, I actually ran out a week ahead of time.  I am such a jackass.  I never learn.

    Valentines day is around the corner and it makes it even emptier inside.  It reminds me that I am a jaded individual, and the darkness inside consumes me.  I fake affection, not that I dont  love my family  - I do, but its an emptyness that I will get into at a later time.