Fuck!

   It isn't often when I feel stimulated and when I am it usually presents itself it is in unhealthy ways such as gambling, arguing,  being contrary, addictive behavior, over medicating myself, etc.  I am an addict and I hate myself for many reasons.  I am constantly trying to change or evolve to be a better "human being" but suffer from epiphanies that always seem to fade.  This is another reason I started this blog.  Its to remind me of my issues and how I deal with them and try to gain insight from them.  Sometimes I go to therapy and my therapist tries to get me to talk about things and I don't really talk about relative things.  Its not that I'm lying or wasting her time, its that my brain has an erase button and it is constantly hyper active. I suffer or I should say that other people suffer do to my lack of a filter to stop me from saying exactly as I feel which comes out brutally and uncaring of other peoples feelings. But I can honestly say that it is rare when I lie because I don't feel the need to.  I feel like I haven't aged at all from the age of 15 except physically.  Its like I stopped maturing.  Don't get me wrong, I am different from 5 years ago, I am slightly better but emotionally I am dead inside.  I FUCKING hate myself!!!!