Friends

   I dont have really any friends except for my wife, my kids and my therapist.  I mean noone really knows me except for them.  I just recently contacted a few "friends" from my past but its been years since Ive had any contact with them. I dont go out of the house  because Ive lost my sense of safety.  Ive lost my faith in humanity, people being two faced and fake.  Its something that strikes me at my core.  I dont trust anybody.  Dont get me wrong, I try to be a good, decent "human being" but I stick to the most rigid of guidelines as to what I do.  I will easily help someone I dont know intead of someone I do know but has lied to me or betrayed me in even the slightest of ways.  I keep hoping that Ill meet  more people like myself and my wife - someone who isnt twofaced or a liar.  The lie could be so small and insignificant to most people but I take it as an act of betrayal.  For example,  I ask Joe Smith(who is my friend) to help me move and he says i cant on that day. I then would say okay Ill change it to a different day and then he has another excuse.  To me, it seems he has lied.  NO EXCUSES!  When Im friends with someone, I give everything I can because thats what it means to be a friend.  Its a relationship that is based on honesty, caring, and  someone you can count on.  If I buy a new car and my friend has no car, Id give him my old car(NOT SELL IT)And I have done this already.  If I have 10 dollars and my friend has none for lunch, The right thing is to give him half.  It may seem like entitlement but Ive always lived my life by that code.  Ive lived it.  When I was homeless,  all of my friends had some excuse why I couldnt crash with them for awhile but that was bullshit.  Being friends with someone is a two way street.
I live by a code and my own moral compass.  I place very high value on when you give someone your word.  Its all you have.

     This is something I have struggled with my entire life.  I have been let down by many people in my life from friends all the way up to my mother. That is the empirical evidence that leads to my distrust in people and  anti-social tendancies.   I will get into this in more depth later.