Fuck!

   It isn't often when I feel stimulated and when I am it usually presents itself it is in unhealthy ways such as gambling, arguing,  being contrary, addictive behavior, over medicating myself, etc.  I am an addict and I hate myself for many reasons.  I am constantly trying to change or evolve to be a better "human being" but suffer from epiphanies that always seem to fade.  This is another reason I started this blog.  Its to remind me of my issues and how I deal with them and try to gain insight from them.  Sometimes I go to therapy and my therapist tries to get me to talk about things and I don't really talk about relative things.  Its not that I'm lying or wasting her time, its that my brain has an erase button and it is constantly hyper active. I suffer or I should say that other people suffer do to my lack of a filter to stop me from saying exactly as I feel which comes out brutally and uncaring of other peoples feelings. But I can honestly say that it is rare when I lie because I don't feel the need to.  I feel like I haven't aged at all from the age of 15 except physically.  Its like I stopped maturing.  Don't get me wrong, I am different from 5 years ago, I am slightly better but emotionally I am dead inside.  I FUCKING hate myself!!!!

Lost Time

I may be just apolagizing to noone , but I havent postedd in over a week And I am sorry.  Ive had a lot going on from moving houses to going through some severe withdrawl from the oxycontin.  I messed up my back up even more and I ended taking too much, I actually ran out a week ahead of time.  I am such a jackass.  I never learn.

    Valentines day is around the corner and it makes it even emptier inside.  It reminds me that I am a jaded individual, and the darkness inside consumes me.  I fake affection, not that I dont  love my family  - I do, but its an emptyness that I will get into at a later time.

Insubordination

I got next to no sleep last night.  I don't know what had me hyper, the new house or the evil cat coming downstairs where I sleep.  I have a long standing  feud with the cat.  I think it purposely screws with me and I hate when it is on the same floor as me, but that's a different story for another day.  My kids agitated me when I  took the youngest to school and I lashed out with a very sharp tongue.  My kids never listen to me when I tell them to do things, even when its for their own good.  Frankly, I'm tired of the insubordination.  This morning's bitch fest started out with my 12 year old not wearing her winter coat.  It could be freezing out and she doesn't wear it.  In our house, everything is open for discussion and anyone can question, and argue their perspective.  This is drastically different on the way I was raised.  My mother had the view of children have no rights, no opinions, no reason to inquire why something was happening or wasn't happening.  So I raise my kids to always question and "say how they feel".  Getting back towards my point, Their mother and I have told her recently many times to wear her winter coat.  So that started a snowball effect.  It lead me down the path of many different things that both kids were not doing, like brushing teeth, wearing deodorant, placing clothes where they belong etc.  I proceeded to tell the kids that if they weren't as old as they are, I would beat their ass.  I also made a comment about in the ancient times they would be dead because of evolution and survival of the fittest. That if they didn't know enough to get warm or brush their teeth or just about anything hygienic, they would have died from pneumonia or something.  All I want is for my kids to respect me and listen to what I have to say.  They can still question me and if they disagree, we would come to a resolution maybe a compromise. Their mother disagrees with a punishment that I want to give the 12 year old(we'll call her Angel)not because it is wrong but because the punishment is something she hates and refuses to do.  I'm only talking about a timed writing assignment.

                They say my days are numbered, but who wants to live long anyway?

Every time I get online to write on my blog I feel inferior because in a sense I am publishing content to be viewed by others and I Don't consider myself a professional writer.  Having a blog  or releasing any content to the possible masses should and does require more from the writer to express themselves or their perspective.  I know my English professor would be lecturing me on my shortcomings as a writer,  That is why I am fearful of posting sometimes  Someone is going to find out my other persona and ridicule me publicly.

Friends

   I dont have really any friends except for my wife, my kids and my therapist.  I mean noone really knows me except for them.  I just recently contacted a few "friends" from my past but its been years since Ive had any contact with them. I dont go out of the house  because Ive lost my sense of safety.  Ive lost my faith in humanity, people being two faced and fake.  Its something that strikes me at my core.  I dont trust anybody.  Dont get me wrong, I try to be a good, decent "human being" but I stick to the most rigid of guidelines as to what I do.  I will easily help someone I dont know intead of someone I do know but has lied to me or betrayed me in even the slightest of ways.  I keep hoping that Ill meet  more people like myself and my wife - someone who isnt twofaced or a liar.  The lie could be so small and insignificant to most people but I take it as an act of betrayal.  For example,  I ask Joe Smith(who is my friend) to help me move and he says i cant on that day. I then would say okay Ill change it to a different day and then he has another excuse.  To me, it seems he has lied.  NO EXCUSES!  When Im friends with someone, I give everything I can because thats what it means to be a friend.  Its a relationship that is based on honesty, caring, and  someone you can count on.  If I buy a new car and my friend has no car, Id give him my old car(NOT SELL IT)And I have done this already.  If I have 10 dollars and my friend has none for lunch, The right thing is to give him half.  It may seem like entitlement but Ive always lived my life by that code.  Ive lived it.  When I was homeless,  all of my friends had some excuse why I couldnt crash with them for awhile but that was bullshit.  Being friends with someone is a two way street.
I live by a code and my own moral compass.  I place very high value on when you give someone your word.  Its all you have.

     This is something I have struggled with my entire life.  I have been let down by many people in my life from friends all the way up to my mother. That is the empirical evidence that leads to my distrust in people and  anti-social tendancies.   I will get into this in more depth later.

The current facts....

   I am a 400 lb man in my thirties.  I have a few mental disorders that are considered disabilities.  I have a family that is accepting of my shortcomings.  I am currently in therapy and have been for the last 4 years.  Therapy isnt new to me because I was involved in therapy from the age of 5 to 18.  I am in therapy currently because I want to make my family's burden less with to respect to my mental disorders. I struggle with  Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Major Deppression,  Narsasistic tendencies, Anxiety Disorder, Aggressive tendencies, and agoraphobia just to name a few.  Not only do I struggle with mental disabilties, I have quite a few physical issues as well.  I have degenerative diseases in my back, arthritus, bulging discs in my back as well.  So I have a hard time walking and I have a wheelchair for bad days.  I have Diabetes 2, Nerve damage throughout various parts of my body.  I struggle with insomnia, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Attention Deficit Disorder, and  ulcers.  So to state the obvious, I have multitudes of medicines that I take daily. 

    As this blog progresses, you will gain insight to my personality and the flawed "human being" I have become. Feel free to comment on my posts and add me to your following I look forward to your insight provided you are mature about it.  .  I will try to post daily but worse case scenerio,  I will at least post every 3 days.